Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Feb. 15, 2011 - You Suck

Yesterday was Valentine's Day and it should have been the day that emotionally embodies all of my frustration, fears and pissiness because I'm single. Valentine's Day is the one day a year (if you're single) that you look at your life and go, "Crap, I need to get it together!" You weigh your successes in life against your ability to maintain a man's attention. If you don't have a boyfriend on V-Day you might as well be a cast member of Maury with an additional 100lb and a worse skin complexion. So to make yourself feel better you make terrible food decisions (my personal favorite is fried chicken, macaroni and cheese and ice cream) and you booze it up either by yourself with Bridget Jones' Diary or with a bunch of girlfriends who are bawling in to Kleenex just as much as you are.

But what did I do? I went and worked out and ate a Paleo-friendly dinner. Valentine's Day went without any crying, screaming or self-loathing. I smashed my scale in with a sledge hammer and I watched Gossip Girl. I defeated the dreaded Valentine's Day and I smashed it in to the ground.

But today...

It's bad enough I'm sitting in awkward and painful anticipation of two internships that I recently interviewed with and I haven't heard a peep from since. It's bad enough I spent another day sitting around in my pajamas and not showering until normal people were leaving work for the day. It's bad enough I'm eating Paleo and I haven't had carbs since January!

But today...

The Things That Made Me Want To Scream (in chronological order):
1.) I was denied food stamps. I actually applied for food stamps as a 25-year old college educated American. And I was DENIED. Why??? Because I have bad timing. If I had applied for food stamps two weeks ago before my unemployment benefits were approved I would have gotten food stamps, no matter what happened with unemployment benefits, for six months. I would have gotten roughly $150 a month for groceries. But because I decided to wait and be a normal human being and not work the system until my dad finally pressured me in to it, I was denied.

2.) I have unemployment insurance through my auto loan and thank goodness I was smart enough to add it to my policy last year. Well, Mr. Insurance failed to inform me when I sent in my paperwork that there was an error and it needed to be corrected before they could stop my automatic payments. I didn't find this out until I called them to make sure everything was fine and the guy said I just need to fax over a new form and it should be processed in 10 business days. Now I get to pay roughly two more car payments aka $350 before my insurance kicks in.

3.) My favorite magazine came in the mail today. Funny enough I actually got two copies of the magazine which is peculiar. I mean, why would a magazine send me two copies?? But somebody was playing a cruel joke on me... Guess what the featured food on the cover for this month is? MACARONI AND CHEESE! My favorite food on the entire planet. The reason I have thunder thighs. The reason I get out of bed sometimes. Macaroni and f'ing Cheese. And they had the audacity to put, "Hands Down, The Tastiest Version We've Ever Made and other sumptuous baked pastas." Bon Appetit is getting some fan mail this month from a disgruntled and famished reader living in Atlanta, GA...

4.) I randomly decided to open my cell phone bill that came in the mail. I am always the same amount every month and I was under the impression I have unlimited everything so I don't have to worry about surprising fees. HA! I guess I was a sucker for that one because guess who went 810 text messages over this month? Yes, 810. How in the world did I text 810 messages more than I do any other month? So now I get to pay $81 extra on this month's cell phone bill. For those who haven't been keeping up with my current events, I Am Unemployed and I Do Not Have Income.

5.) To make everything so much better... I am not allowed to drink alcohol. That's just another recap for my close friends and family.

Whoever has the Tori Allen voodoo doll, I'm begging you to please stop and leave me alone for the rest of February. I need to finish the Paleo challenge...

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