Monday, January 31, 2011

The Hardest Thing

When I started writing this blog I wanted to purge my life of bad habits that effected me in a healthy capacity. I wanted to keep my apartment clean and be skinny and pay my bills on time.

Tonight I realized that there was one last bad habit I didn't shake and as of 10 minutes ago that habit is no longer in my life. But the habit is something much deeper than my passion for leaving laundry on my dining room table; that habit was a person and someone I'm really going to miss.

We always knew we were bad for each other. Several times during our two year "whatever" we'd both see the light and decide it was time to end things. A week, a month, however much time would go by and we'd fall back in to our old pattern of being bad.

I'll never say that I have it all together when it comes to boys and relationships. I have the unfortunate habit of sometimes getting drunk and crying about a boy whether it's at home or embarrassingly enough in a bar. I'll even step it up a notch and make a scene about it to the boy in a public arena. I know it's not an attractive quality, but I'm a passionate girl and these tirades are a good way for me to tell people how I feel. Or show myself what I really feel, not just what I tell myself during daylight hours. You need to know where you stand in life before you can get out the compass and find a new way.

Perhaps ditching a bad habit will rid myself of the other bad habits associated with him? Maybe I'll stop being sad in the bar when I've had a few too many SoCo lime shots and he hasn't responded to my text? Maybe I'll take up a new hobby to distract myself whenever I miss him? Maybe I won't settle for a "whatever" ever again?

There's so much change going on in my life that it's a good thing I am moving on. I'm not just starting a new chapter, I'm starting a new book series after the number of changes ahead of and behind me.

So it's with sadness in my heart - not pride - that I have gotten rid of the perpetual bad habit. I will definitely miss it more than the other bad habits, but it had to be.

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