The Hardest Thing

When I started writing this blog I wanted to purge my life of bad habits that effected me in a healthy capacity. I wanted to keep my apartment clean and be skinny and pay my bills on time.

Tonight I realized that there was one last bad habit I didn't shake and as of 10 minutes ago that habit is no longer in my life. But the habit is something much deeper than my passion for leaving laundry on my dining room table; that habit was a person and someone I'm really going to miss.

We always knew we were bad for each other. Several times during our two year "whatever" we'd both see the light and decide it was time to end things. A week, a month, however much time would go by and we'd fall back in to our old pattern of being bad.

I'll never say that I have it all together when it comes to boys and relationships. I have the unfortunate habit of sometimes getting drunk and crying about a boy whether it's at home or embarrassingly enough in a bar. I'll even step it up a notch and make a scene about it to the boy in a public arena. I know it's not an attractive quality, but I'm a passionate girl and these tirades are a good way for me to tell people how I feel. Or show myself what I really feel, not just what I tell myself during daylight hours. You need to know where you stand in life before you can get out the compass and find a new way.

Perhaps ditching a bad habit will rid myself of the other bad habits associated with him? Maybe I'll stop being sad in the bar when I've had a few too many SoCo lime shots and he hasn't responded to my text? Maybe I'll take up a new hobby to distract myself whenever I miss him? Maybe I won't settle for a "whatever" ever again?

There's so much change going on in my life that it's a good thing I am moving on. I'm not just starting a new chapter, I'm starting a new book series after the number of changes ahead of and behind me.

So it's with sadness in my heart - not pride - that I have gotten rid of the perpetual bad habit. I will definitely miss it more than the other bad habits, but it had to be.

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise

They always say your body can do things you don't think it is capable of doing. The moms picking up cars to retrieve their dying child. Barney on How I Met Your Mother running the NYC marathon. (Sorry I ran out of ideas after the mom example...)

Today I defied myself and I ran 3.1 miles without stopping or slowing down. I know for a lot of people that is not a daunting distance and it really shouldn't be for any athlete. However, I haven't run more than a mile straight since the WOD that started this blog and even then I had breaks in between each round. The last time I ran that far without stopping was when I was training for a half-marathon more than a year and a half ago.

I haven't been building up my running endurance and I even just got over a cold and a hangover. I just got on the treadmill and like Forrest Gump I just started running and I didn't stop.

At first I wanted to run a mile straight. I did that and I wasn't even breathing heavy so I decided to run 1.25 miles then take a break and walk a quarter mile. I ran 1.25 and I decided to go all the way to 2 miles, not thinking I could do it.

But I did.

I made tiny milestones for myself to keep going like "run until this minute is over" and then "run another .1 miles" and it just kept going from there. Even after I ran the 3.1 I wasn't settled until I burned 500 calories according to the treadmill.

In total I ran 3.1 miles and walked .78 miles for 41 minutes and burned 500 calories.

For a normal runner that isn't something to be proud of, but today I am DAMN proud of myself.

Oh and I also ate Paleo all day and did CrossFit. It looks like I'm back on track for what this blog is all about...

What I'm Thankful For

It's easy to say I'm having a tough time right now. Ask anyone who is or has been unemployed and they'll tell you it's the worst thing to go through, not only because of the lack of income but because it kills your self-esteem. When you pride yourself on your hard work and how your resume looks it's difficult to sit back and know HR people are scanning your resume and tossing it in to their Delete folder in less time than it takes to sneeze. The girl who wrote "Bitter Is the New Black" has a book deal because of her misery of being unemployed.

It's easy to say you've got it rough and it's unfair when you're unemployed because honestly it is.

But on Monday my mom had a double mastectomy. She lost her boobs. For most girls our boobs symbolize how much of a woman we are because it's the most visible part of our body that projects that are are female. We perk them up, we tie them down, we push them together, we dress them up. They get their own special apparel and a billion-dollar corporation built around selling bras.

She handled it like a trooper and I couldn't be more proud of how she's handling if. If anything she's excited because she lost 45 pounds of fat, 5 pounds of boob and when she has her reconstruction they are making new boobs out of her stomach fat. Boob job and a tummy tuck in the same operation.

So now I am taking a step back and reflecting on everything that life is giving me at the moment:

- An amazing and beyond words supportive family

- Great friends who are there to listen to me whenever I need to complain

- An apartment that I get to live in by myself

- The opportunity to get in shape with Crossfit and running

- Every silly and tangible thing I have had the pleasure to own

If you read this blog I hope that you take a couple of minutes to reflect on how much you really do have in life. Or at least feel yourself or someone else up for my mom's sake.

Rx #1

Dear Double Unders,

You are no longer a match for me. You think you can challenge me with a daunting 150 DU's for time? I guess you thought you could and I showed you that you can't anymore. Better luck next time.

Love,

Tori

(Sometimes there are blog posts that should be succinct. Today is that day.)

I Am What I Eat

Anyone who knows me well enough is aware that I love food. Not love like "ooo it's delicious", but "oooo I need to make everything in this month's Bon Appetit" LOVE food. I subscribe to four -yes four - food magazines ranging from Cooking Light to Cuisine At Home and I plow through them like a coked up model sifts through Vogue.

My dream job is to work for an organization that represents food and the culinary world. Whether it's a public relations firm that focuses on restaurants, a food magazine, the food section of a newspaper, I don't care. I want to have my career focus on food. My personal life already does so why not my career?

My super dream job (and when I marry well and can afford to do it) is open a restaurant called The Supper Table. It'll be open for dinners every night and brunch on Saturday and Sunday. The menu changes every day like the average America supper table with everything from meatloaf and mashes potatoes to Italian night out to stir fry. Of course there will be consistent items on the menu for the picky eaters...

Though you can come in and dine, the primary focus will be take home food for families "on the go" with meals that are homemade, healthy and economical. Don't waste your time and energy opening a jar of Prego and calling it "spaghetti." Let me make your family homemade spaghetti sauce (squeezing the tomatoes by hand and everything) with fresh pasta. Meals will be purchased per serving and sent home in nifty to go boxes that will make Chinese restaurants jealous of their durability and shape.

To go along with this restaurant I of course need to learn to create desserts. AFter spending an unfortunate amount of time thumbing through cookbooks at the bookstore I made it a personal goal to learn how to bake. For those of you who are naive about the culinary world or you think Duncan Hines is baking enough you are very, very, very inaccurate.

I've been crawling my way up the baking ladder starting with simple chocolate chip cookies on up to macaroons. All were delicious - sometimes the batter more than the cookies - but they weren't perfect.

But today my friends I baked the perfect dessert. I made brownies. And They.Are.Perfect. Moist, chocolaty, sinfully un-Paleo friendly, perfect.

Though they aren't what I should be eating, I am proud to say to my audience that I accomplished a goal today and it feels and tastes damn good.

"I Used to Be Fat"

I'm sitting here watching "I Used to Be Fat" on MTV, post CrossFit workout and after making myself dinner.

The girl that is on this episode is out of control and I really hope during my first WOD with Ray I didn't act like this girl did during her first workout. I've cried three times total at CrossFit since August and all three were out of frustration that I wasn't performing or I hurt my back and had to stop (I'll get you deadlift and pushups). This girl cried because she had to run on a treadmill and had to do 5 burpees. Ummm? Really????? I hope the next time I want to b**** out of a workout I need to channel Marci and Man Up.

However, over the last few weeks I ate and drank my way through life and I'm paying those consequences now. I guess I had my fun and it definitely was worth the extra love handles (Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and WAR EAGLE) but now it's gametime. It's find a new job time. It's find a boyfriend time. It's be the cutest I can be time.

No more "oh I'll just drink beer this time" or "oh but I worked out today so it's okay."

I've learned that eating strict paleo all day, every day isn't what I'm cut out for because I'm a gigantic foodie! However, if I channel my old WW days I know I can just do portion control, use small plates, only eat carbs at one meal and it's the smallest thing on the plate. So what did I do?

I had eggs and bacon for breakfast, then vegetable soup for lunch, a yogurt pre-WOD and for dinner I had fresh whole wheat pasta, homemade mushroom sauce, chicken and asparagus.

AND I had PR'd on Push Presses.

Take that Marci...

Bitter Is The New Black

Long time, no post. Why, you ask?

Well life threw me a gigantic curve ball that I'm still trying to figure out how to hit. After 9 months at Company A I was let go. I'll be blunt: Fired. I never imagined myself to be fired from something, especially something that I put in countless hours, 7-days a week, relentlessness only to be taken down by something as silly as Typos. But everything happens for a reason?

After being voted off the island I went home for an extended Christmas Break (thanks NJ blizzard!) and had a lot of time to look at my life: where I've been, where I want to go and where can I really go?

This isn't about focusing on my health, fitness or cleanliness anymore, this is about my future. The world is my oyster right now and with my parents' blessing I get to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and go do it, no matter what. However, I'm terrified. Everyone who knows me knows that I fight hard for something when I want it, I follow my heart no matter what kind of dead end it leads me to and I never, ever give up. But what if the world isn't ready for me? What if I'm not good enough? What if all that hard work didn't pay off?

After some soul searching and determining the likelihood of a career path I am going to pursue public relations and event coordination. I have the experience, I have the passion, I have the love of AP Style, I have the guts and with another few months at Crossfit I'll have the look ;)

All I need is for a company to give me a chance. Life threw me a couple curve balls earlier in my career when CNN went on a hiring freeze and I had to take what I could while constantly networking and trying to find a company to take me in. I worked my hiney off to get those internships at CNN and I do not want them to be a waste.

Public relations companies if you're reading this - and you should be because blogging is so big right now - Give Me a Chance. I'm passionate, dedicated, ruthless and I will appreciate the opportunity more than any other candidate. Guaranteed.